J and D's Corner

From the Letters Archive

I'm not sure the AV Press printed this one, if it did I never saw it, but diatribes about illegal immigration are a staple in their pages.  Personally I don't think we can stop 'em, so maybe a new paradigm IS in order....


To:  AV Press

Date: 05/2007

Re:  Immigration Solution

Everyone has their pet simplistic plan for solving America’s immigration problem, as expressed in endless opinion columns and letters to the editor.  Unfortunately, none of them can work because they do not address the root problem. 

I propose we stop beating the dead horse and embrace a new paradigm: Empire! 

Our first step is to go in with Canada and Mexico to form Camexamerica. Presto, 90% of our illegal immigration problem is solved.  Then with half a billion people we can roll over Central & South America in a flash. 

This is an open-ended win-win idea that really does provide something for everyone. Natural resources! Access to endless summer for everyone! No more pesky dictators! Dozens of new Senators and Representatives! Government unions gain millions of new members! The Quebecoise get to have every label in half the globe duplicated in French! The high-speed rail commission can start a 30-year study of the Fairbanks to Buenos Aires route!

For our contextually challenged readers: Yes, this letter is satire…to some degree.